SIMON LAURENT; OPEN POST

[relationshits]

Comments

[incelligent]

[Why is that winky emoji making him feel some sort of Way rip-]

Uh, so the events of the first book take place sorta centering around the Battle of Esmoroth.

[Yes. It's a trilogy.]

Basically, the Evil Witch Samantha Kittywhiskers-

[THERE IS NOTHING SUBTLE ABOUT THAT VILLAINESS' NAME!!!]

Places a curse on the kingdom and offs all the royal folkies with her nasty witch powers. The soon-to-be Lord of Esmoroth is a lowly stable boy who is the only survivor of the atrocity, and basically he takes it upon himself to train diligently as a general and avenge his country.

[chemex]

[He is nothing if not an accidental flirt at all times, it's fine.]

samantha kittywhiskers, hm? sounds like our author isn't much of a cat person.
but it definitely sounds like a solid story. what gave you the idea for the names? esmoroth and samantha kittywhiskers, that is.

[incelligent]

If I'm gonna put pen to paper about a fantastical and far away land, I gotta give it a name to match, no?

[Ouch, ouch, ouch.

He doesn't need to know.]

And, as for the second part, let's just say it's not a good idea to trust a cat that can talk.

[Much less one that can speak French.]

[chemex]

[Funny story, Akira has one. A cat that talks, that is. Only a small handful of people can actually hear him, though, so maybe that's the difference. Though he might draw the line at Morgana picking up French.]

yeah? i'll have to take your word for it.
so are you really using a dating app to get people to read your book, or is there ulterior motive?
like, i dunno, is there some kind of sexy book club you're running behind the scenes?

[incelligent]

[He gasps on his end of the transmission.]

What? No! No, it's just

[blarg blarg incel rat noises]

You're supposed to get to know people on these things, right? I don't

[oops]

I can assure you that I'm not that kind of author.

[chemex]

hey, i didn't ask because i was judging.
friendship is a pretty practical use.

but i'm also not judging if you are that kind of author.
everybody's gotta get their jollies somehow.

[incelligent]

My best friend said that it'd be good idea to put myself out there.

[also bc... maybe there was some desire to have this shitty lil ratman not breathing down her neck for once]

So I did!

And uh, I can safely say that, without a doubt

[drumroll please]

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doin'.

[chemex]

[Smart move, Grace. Smart.]

[It's probably good he can't be heard, because Akira laughs at that.]

that makes two of us, buddy.
so who's name should i be remembering when your book gets famous?

[incelligent]

[plz... don't encourage him like this]

Simon. Laurent? Yeah.

I guess it'd be the full name if I did ever get a chance to publish.

[He's too desperate for validation to even consider the use of pseudonym.]

And you are...?

[chemex]

[No can do, Akira doesn't know how to not be aggressively supportive. You've been adopted into his meddling fold, Simon.]

nice to meetcha, simon.
akira kurusu.

[incelligent]

Nay, nay!

[wait until akira finds out about his aggressively violent and sociopathic tendencies, hopefully the support will wane]

The pleasure's all mine.

😊✨

[chemex]

[If Akechi is any indication, it'll only make him more persistent.]

ooh, a real smoothtalker.
you sure you're not running some kind of sexy book club, simon?

[incelligent]

[smooth talker??? even the most vague attempts at flirtation by simon asswipe laurent have a foul stench of m'lady written all over them jfc akira]

No.

I didn't even know that book clubs could be, um

[wow yep he can't even say the word]

Like that.

[Although that's not to say that he isn't interested in the idea.]

[chemex]

[L i s t e n.]

[He's laughing again.]

pretty sure anything can be sexy if you try hard enough.

[incelligent]

I... Suppose there is a substantial amount of evidence to support that theory.

[chemex]

highly substantial.
the internet, as they say, is for porn. rule 34.

[incelligent]

So that's the 34th rule of the internet?

[Guess who, despite being an eighteen year old boy, has never watched porn and definitely hasn't the faintest clue what rule 34 is.]

Bizarro.

What's the 35th?

[chemex]

"If there is no porn of it, porn will be made of it."
which tracks, really.

[incelligent]

[Simon isn't quite sure how to feel about that. He's wanted to be close to Grace for as long as he can remember, and unfortunately, navigating puberty when you're stuck on a murder machine that stretches onwards infinitely for miles and miles with no one but your beautiful best friend is guaranteed nightmare fodder. To cope, he's somehow grown up with the fucked up notion that urges of the flesh are to be bottled up, to be tamed and conquered, much like any other weakness.

Unless they can be linked with a romance of the legitimate sort, which is noble, just like in all his favorite stories.]

Wow.

When my mom told me the internet was a dangerous place, I assumed it was all crazy old lady talk.

[pls??? don't bring your mother into this]

I can't believe she was actually right.

[chemex]

moms tend to have pretty good advice, especially if they've spent any time on the internet.
that's a generalization, but, still relatively true.
so is sexy book club tinder your first foray into the realm of the internet?
if so i'm sincerely sorry and please be careful it can get kind of dangerous around here.

[incelligent]

Well, that's one way to put it.

[Simon isn't quite sure what he was expecting. It would be nice to receive a compliment of any kind, but despite that ugly inkling of hope, it's not something he was anticipating.]

I used to play computer games when I was a kid, but it's been a long time since then.

[How are you supposed to form relationships with people through a screen, anyway? He's already so ill-equipped to do that in real life.]

Pfft, danger? I can handle danger.

My whole life, I've

[Shoot.]

Nevermind.

[chemex]

hey, no, that sounded like a story.
i'm all-in for samantha kittywhiskers' creator's tragic origin story here.
and i mean
call me nosy or meddling or whatever but
people don't usually start statements like "my whole life, i've" without wanting to tell somebody the rest of the sentence.

[incelligent]

And what's it to you?

[Oh no.]

Sure, my life hasn't been easy.

[understatement of the century]

But that also means that I'm not weak anymore.

[chemex]

[Oh, that's the biggest of red flags. He knows your type, Simon. He knows your type and now you are absolutely not getting rid of him.]

i never said you were weak, simon.
and especially if your life hasn't been easy, sometimes it can do a person a lot of good to have somebody to talk to.
it isn't weak to want companionship.

[incelligent]

[But companionship is what he wants most of all.]

I know that.

[He is reminded of why he never wants to leave the train in the first place. Sure, this person's words are kind, but they don't know what he's truly capable of. All the victories that were near misses, they are going unappreciated-]

Of course I know that!

I'm not stupid.

[yes he is butt anyway]